When Your Brain Runs on a Different Operating System: Parenting with Neurodivergence

Maybe you knew you were neurodivergent as you moved into parenthood, or like a lot of moms we work with, maybe you didn’t. We (Jane and Kelsey) will raise our hands here as two women who thought we had it all handled and learned pretty quickly that ADHD had been knocking on our doors for a long time, and becoming a mom finally had it shoving right through them. Whichever category you fit into, the big thing we want to focus on today is the impact of constant change as a parent and how stressful that is for our systems.

So whether you had all the neurodivergent tools before, whether you had systems in place, whether you thought you had it figured out, we hear it all the time—that being a neurodivergent parent brings most of us to the brink of overwhelm.

And there’s a real history here. The world hasn't known how to accommodate your needs, so you’ve figured out your own systems. You likely felt proud of that—that you found a way to fit in, to make it work. But there's a real and significant grief in saying out loud that you had to figure it out; that the support and systems didn't show up the way you needed them to.

The Unspoken Reason for Your Overwhelm

Let's talk about why this happens. If you’ve read or seen our other resources on overstimulation, mom rage, and the like, this will feel familiar, but also a little different.What we know about neurodivergence is that our nervous systems tend to be a little more sensitive, leading to sorting issues around information. This can show up as taking longer to process things, struggling to prioritize, becoming distracted or hyperfocused, or getting mentally stuck. These are just a few things, not an exhaustive list. And let us be clear: sensitive is not bad. Sensitive to us means wired for safety, for attunement and connection, which brings us back to the way that this world isn’t designed for us.

To break it down, we like the analogy that neurodivergence is kind of like when your phone’s battery starts draining because it has too many apps running in the background. It's hard to even be aware or notice all the apps running, and even if you do, it feels like you can't exit everything fast enough or as often as it needs to be done. The impact is definitely still there.

When we bring in parenthood, the draining happens that much faster. We’ve gone from, let’s say, 10 apps running in the background to infinitely more. The demands are higher, the emotional intensity is more significant, and the stakes are much greater when we’re considering another person's safety and needs. This is where the self-judgment arises. The difficulty of managing all those "apps" leads to the belief that it's something about us that's wrong—not that the system is rigged, or that our brain is just at its capacity with not enough support. It’s just that you're trying to figure something out and implement it faster than you can fully develop a solid plan.

If you’re a mom, there is already so much pressure, and then you add neurodivergence on top, and it feels like chaos because the odds already feel stacked. There’s not enough support for moms in general, and there's not enough understanding of neurodivergence.

And because our children's needs are constantly changing and we have to adjust, so not only do you have infinitely more apps running, but all the apps are also requiring updates—some monthly, some weekly, and some daily. Your battery is draining faster and faster, and there's not enough time in the world to keep it plugged in, let alone at 100%.

A New Way to (re)Build

So what do we do here? The first piece is to acknowledge the systems that used to work—the ones that helped us—are not working anymore. We grieve the lack of support and the system not showing up how we needed it to, how we still need it to. We recognize the immense frustration in having to learn more new things and adapt differently, especially when we’re already exhausted. And we rest. We create space to let good be good enough to shift the judgment and expectations.

Then we find new ways to do things, not all at once, but little by little. Shifting the analogy here, we build something that works for us, block by block, possibly while dissembling some other blocks that aren’t working for us. Not all at once, because we can't have a completely uneven or unsteady tower. We need the solid foundation of rest, support, and self-compassion. See below for our supportive tips and tools.

Support for Your Neurodivergent Parenting Journey

Reclaim your resources: Neurodivergent brains use a lot of energy on things like masking, emotional regulation, and managing executive functions. When you become a parent, the cognitive load skyrockets, leaving your "resources" depleted. Acknowledge that this is not a personal failing, but a real biological difference.

Redefine "support": For a neurodivergent brain, traditional support may not be enough. Instead of a vague offer to help, you may need specific, concrete assistance that reduces cognitive load. This could be someone taking on the mental labor of planning meals or the physical task of organizing a closet—without you having to guide every step.

Embrace external systems: It's not that you can't do it yourself, but we tend to look at neurodivergent brains as being actually over-attentive, struggling to differentiate the priority of needs, wanting to get it all done, and some distraction is in there too. The key is to build external systems that do the work for you. This could mean a shared family calendar with alerts, a clearly labeled "launchpad" by the door for keys and bags, or a simple checklist for morning and bedtime routines.

Practice radical self-compassion: The feeling of "I should be able to handle this" paired with the desire to show up as a parent who can keep it together, is a major source of stress. For a neurodivergent parent, this feeling is often tied to a lifetime of trying to fit into a neurotypical world. Remind yourself that your brain is wired differently, not broken. Your frustration is valid, and you deserve patience and kindness from yourself.

This can be confusing chapter, but it’s one you can navigate with support. Check out our available self regulation workshop and mom rage course to dive deeper and get practical tools!